The Magnificent One's
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The Magnificent One's
Are We Dating ? P.1
5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Take a breath, let's dive in. Hello and welcome to another episode of the Magnificent Ones Podcast. Tonight we have a returning guest, mr Gordon. It's been over a year now since he was last on and we look forward to this segment, which is titled how Do you Know when You're Dating Someone? Before that, let's just do a little catching up, just for the sake of housekeeping. What's going on, mr Gordon, in the world of you?
Speaker 2:The world of me is an interesting place to traverse. I can definitely say that it's been good. I had a new job, seeing a whole different side of medicine that kind of furthers my interest in this particular field. So that's always great. Just getting more insight, getting close to my faith, it's nice man Just enjoying the ride honestly. So that's pretty much all that's been going on with me Work and school and working out. That's really it Monday through Friday, honestly.
Speaker 1:It's kind of the same with me too. You know, honestly, right now I just been pacing myself. Oh yeah, I think pacing is so important so you don't get burnt out. I think I spent a good portion of last year being burnt out, so I learned from that.
Speaker 2:I think I spent a good portion of last year being burnt out.
Speaker 2:So I learned from that. I think I'm right there with you as well and not only pacing myself but also granting myself and others grace and really really offering that to myself as much as I can, because at the end of the day, you can only do with so much of what you're given. In my opinion, and if you overexert yourself, that's when, at least for me, burn, that's when I get burnt out and it always shows up at the most inconvenient time and it requires so much to kind of rebuild yourself. So I would definitely say giving myself grace, and then that also kind of helps with me diving into my faith, getting more and more closer to that and understanding that like, okay, it's okay to not be okay, but it's not okay to realize that you're not giving yourself enough space to just, you know, relax and just enjoy the process for what it is and instead of just like putting your face to the concrete every single day, cause it's just not conducive at that point, you're just kind of working against yourself to some, to some facet.
Speaker 1:So do you have a lucky lady in your life right now? How's, how's that journey going, sir?
Speaker 2:So, like you said, it is a journey. It is a journey, but there's no, there's no one in my life, um, but I can definitely say it's. I feel like I want to open myself up to that, but I also am aware of what I would get myself into if I were to do that, because I kind of look at, I guess, relationships a little different, which is why I'm so hesitant to start dating For me. I know that I want a lot out of myself, so in turn, I would at least want a person that would somewhat want to reciprocate that, because I feel like if they want a lot from themselves, we can be able to traverse, you know, the relationship that way, to where it's like we're constantly working to better ourselves, which will, in turn, better the relationship.
Speaker 2:And I feel like I hate to be a Debbie Donovan. I feel like a lot of people don't have that. I feel like a lot of people want to take the easy route and they want to quit, they don't want to put the work in, they don't want to get to know themselves or people, and then it's always a sort of um, it's transaction based. Yeah, it's like I give you something, you get something, vice versa, and I feel like everyone has different metrics and everyone has different price points and they don't, no one presents themselves with that, and then people find out late what they're getting into and then it just it doesn't work out in the end. So, having that knowledge, I kind of just want to kind of stay away from that for a little bit.
Speaker 1:There's nothing wrong with that man. Yeah, I mean, I don't have to worry about dating anyone. Oh, what a life to live. Cheers to that. Listen, I don't know if I could date anyone in this time and space, or what that would even look like. I think for me, dating is a very scary idea. Okay, I think that before, say, it was like 10 years ago. I feel like the lines were clear as to where people stood.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And in this era, I don't think the lines are clear for everyone. I don't even think there's lines anywhere. It's like that Robin Thicke song Blurred Lines it's come to fruition, definitely.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's just tough because it's like, at the end of the day, there are good people out there that truly want like a traditional relationship and really want to pour into their partner and vice versa, but I'd really feel like there's a lot of bad that supersedes that, so they get kind of drowned out and even almost assimilated into that. It's where it's super hard to differentiate between the two, and so for me, the best course of action has just been not even to attempt to date.
Speaker 1:So let me ask you this how do you know if you're dating someone? How do you know, when do two people know when they're dating each other? Now, after you give your response, I'll say my two cents or a penny on the situation.
Speaker 2:I think the first thing is transparency. Definitely everyone needs to be aware like in fine writing, I am dating this person.
Speaker 1:Okay, here's, here's this other question then what is dating?
Speaker 2:I think dating is the art of learning each other and seeing if you two would benefit long term in a partnership.
Speaker 1:That's what I think.
Speaker 1:Here's what's interesting to me. I remember when I was younger, people would always say man, you're such a player. I would always say, how am I? You're such a player? And I would always say, well, how am I a player? Like what makes me a player? They're like, man, you go out on all these dates and I've never considered myself going on. For me, going on a date would mean I explicitly stated to someone hey, we're going on a date tomorrow. That is black and white, like very straightforward. I would go, you know um, get coffee with someone or, you know, have lunch with someone or whatever. And people would always tell me like, hey, how was your date? And I was like I wasn't on a date and and in all seriousness, right, I was being serious, yeah, I never thought of myself as being on a date.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And then other people would be like are you dating so-and-so? I'm like, no, that's just my friend, right? Like we can grab lunch, like what you know? Like why do you think that we're dating? Like I said, dating would mean that I'm like, hey, if this person's my girlfriend, then we're dating. If I go and grab lunch with someone, we're just grabbing lunch, right? So when people use the term dating, I feel like dating is a very loose term.
Speaker 1:I can agree with that, because if someone's like hey, and I think that's where the miscommunication is, because maybe you went on like five lunch outings with someone and then now this person's like oh, we're dating, but in your head you're like oh, we just grabbed a meal together, it was brunch.
Speaker 2:I think that's where it boils back to the whole. I think, well, transparency one and then perception. But I think the perception would stem from the transparency in the sense of, like, I'm letting this person know up front this is what this is and what they do with that information is entirely at their discretion. But I at least know this is what this is and I can be okay with, like the repercussions that may or may not come from that.
Speaker 1:I think what happens is a lot of people on both sides they'll put their toe in the water and both people are like, are afraid to just say to themselves hey, we're dating or hey, let's go on a date. And so they both live in this state of lim with each other yeah that nothing's actually ever been established.
Speaker 1:And then when one person's like, hey, this isn't working out, you're like, oh, I thought we're dating, you know, like you're breaking up with me, and but no one was ever brave enough to actually state what their status was, because they felt like if they did, they were going to lose the other person yeah, that's exactly why I don't want to do this dating thing, because, at least me, I will be more than happy to let this person know.
Speaker 2:This is what this is, and what you choose to do with that information is entirely at your own discretion, and I will have nothing but respect for you with how you receive and respond to said. You know what I give you with that it. I feel like people are just scared, just truly afraid of one abandonment. People sometimes don't like putting themselves out there and not getting you know what they what they at least expect, which would be like okay, I'm putting myself out there, I'm making an effort to like court this person, but yet it's not good enough and I feel like people need to learn to kind of get out of that and honestly throw themselves in the fire, throw themselves to the wolves, because you're not gonna get what you want by being, by tiptoeing around things or being timid. Or you may get something and it's entirely not what you would hope for, or it won't last long.
Speaker 2:It's like, um, reheating pizza in a microwave. In regards to like in a brick oven, yeah, it's. It's gonna be two different things. Yeah, one you'll have like in the microwave. Yes, it'll be like hot and you know it'll taste good, but there will be cold spots probably, you know. Whereas, if you were to reheat it in an oven and it's getting a thorough like cooking or baking, whatever sorts you want to phrase it as like it'll be that much more satisfactory for you in the long run. Yeah, so I don't know if I'm hungry, but I think that would be. I think that's a pretty good, I guess, segue into how you would perceive dating as far as like, do you want it to be for a good time or a long time?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think people are afraid. Like you said, people are afraid, people are afraid to be vulnerable, people are afraid of rejection and people sometimes are looking for different things. And it's always good to be, like you said, transparent and say what it is that you want, because this is the quickest way to know if you guys are compatible yeah if both people like hey, I want a and you're like I want b, boom, boom.
Speaker 1:You know, you know it's, it's really. Maybe you can work through it, but at least you both are aware right and um, I think I remember some people and this is this was scary.
Speaker 1:Scary thought for me was I had a friend that was engaged right, and I always thought, okay, like that's, that was just weird that they were engaged like so fast and and that engagement didn't work out. And so that same friend, you know, asked me to hang out with them a few times in a different kind of way, and I was like, oh sure. And he asked me different kind of way and I was like oh sure. And he asked me for a ride one night and I was like oh yeah, cool. And I thought it was very interesting that you know like it was like, oh, the places that they wanted to go was to me in a way like kind of romantic, but I was just like, oh, this is something that my friend wanted to do.
Speaker 1:You know, I didn't, you know, I didn't think anything of it. So, next thing, you know, um, I had a post on Facebook and the post was a Bob Marley quote, and the the quote was you know, if she's worth it? You know, like, what it takes for someone to conquer your heart, right and um, this entire time. Now, this is very interesting. I guess she's saying that we're dating. I was not aware that we were dating. Whew, and so one, I don't post anything on social media about my personal personal life, right, and so you know, I don't look at other people's social media either.
Speaker 1:So you know, that's just my, my thing, yeah, so the fact that Her sister hits me up and her sister is like, hey, that post on Facebook, is that your way of telling my sister that she's not worth it? And I'm sitting there like dumbfounded, like what are you talking about? Like what do you mean that she's not worth it? I said, I said it's a bob marley quote. I just thought it was a very cool quote. It has nothing to do with my feelings on anything or on anyone, it's just a bob marley quote. And then, secondly, what is going on between me and your sister? Like, we've been friends for years, like for years. So we've been friends for years. How is it, miraculously, my quote is now affecting her life? Well, we've been friends for years. She was engaged to someone. That engagement did not work out and as friends we got ice cream. We talked about her problems. Not hey, I like you, you like me. It was that.
Speaker 1:You know, so you know after going through that, and then you know like she gets engaged.
Speaker 2:Another person.
Speaker 1:Listen from that point. Literally a month later she gets engaged again.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:From that point, like literally one month, and she sends me a wedding invitation. Okay, after the wedding has happened. Oh, wow, and I laughed Wow, okay, listen. I found it to be extremely interesting though, because, again, I was like well, I guess in America you could be dating someone and just didn't know that you guys were dating she was waiting. Well, I guess in america you could be hitting someone and just didn't know you guys were dating.
Speaker 1:She was waiting on the fifth date to tell you she's like the fifth date to tell me I guess, like you said, so like having experiences like that, it's kind of it kind of scars you a little bit, and I've had a couple of encounters like that.
Speaker 2:You know where I'm like oh yeah, I definitely learned that some people do are fearful for what other people will say, but sometimes with that, that's literally that in the sense of I won't, I don't want to let them know I need them for this, but I do know that we could do this and it will provide some sort of relief in this aspect for me, but to them they wouldn't even know that as long as I don't communicate that with them. Like, for instance, I went on, I was in my mind I was pursuing this person and she made it seem like I was. It was okay. Come to find out I learned that she was having dealings with somebody and I was. The emotional aspect. Yeah, so that's also how the reason why I don't really feel like going into dating again, because I don't want to be the emotional scapegoat for somebody the emotional support person, right, the, the emotional supportpegoat for somebody, the emotional support person, right, the emotional support animal for this person, especially without my knowledge.
Speaker 2:Had she had told me that up front, like I said, I could have. What I decided to do with that knowledge is at my discretion. At least I know and she knows we're all on the same page, yeah, and I honestly would have respected her a little bit more up front if she told me that. But me having to find out now the information I've learned, I can't look at you the same, yeah, and with that now I have a jaded, I can say I have a more jaded view on pursuing and actually dating because of that one instance.
Speaker 2:And I think a lot of times people, the more they kind of allow themselves to get in those situations, the more they're less likely to kind of put all their cards on the table, kind of put all their cards on the table, which would be, it seems, counterintuitive to what should happen in the long run, being that, okay, I've been hurt or I haven't been heard or I haven't been seen. Maybe I should put it on a platform to where I can be heard, I can be seen, but people choose not to do that and that puzzles me to this day.
Speaker 1:I remember, you know, dating-wise, when I was dating I was probably one of the I had like a really bad experience dating, which was you learn, like mentally, that every human being matures at a completely different rate, definitely, and the things that we think we like now are not the things that we may like later, and sometimes it's not that the relationship isn't right, it's just not right right now. It's like some people they need that five year, ten year growth and development and I think then they'd be right for each other. Um, you know even dating and you learn, like you know, about maturity and someone will tell you something like oh, if you can't be with me, you can't be with anyone else.
Speaker 1:You know and, like you, learn, like, wow, it was like that took a turn for the worse. Yeah, um, I don't think that people deal with that as much today, but I think that people, what people do deal with is, like you said, it's transactional.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:So it's like I need you so long as you know, uh know, uh, you serve a purpose in my life. Um, relationships do feel like they're transactional, especially as the outsider looking in on things. I think people maybe like it can be transactional in the sense that one person provides emotional support and one person provides financial support, but no one's being honest with each other, and so they wake up one day and, ultimately, maybe five years have passed and they're like, wow, what are we doing? Yeah, yeah, you know what are we they ask themselves like what are?
Speaker 1:we couldn't agree more you know, and I think that's scary to realize for other people now like, yeah, you know, like you see your friends, that you thought they were happy together and like they've been together for five years or however long, and then they just like they just woke up one day and then now they just hate each other. It's like it just. But the fact is it's not that they woke up one day, it's that they kept pushing things back and pushing things back, not addressing things. So maybe 10 years passed and they're like okay, we're not right for each other who is this person next to?
Speaker 2:me exactly oh wait, I've never known them this entire time exactly, and it's, it's, it's always.
Speaker 1:It always was like what you could do for me, not, hey, um, I'm my whole self and you're your whole person.
Speaker 1:Let's come together and see how we could make that one thing definitely it's that we're broken people and we're not going to show each other that we're both broken or the ways that we're broken. And then we're going to enter in pretending that we're whole people and the pieces don't fit perfectly together. But we're going to pretend like they do until more and more situations wear and tear that relationship down, until you're like all right.
Speaker 2:Finally we hate each other, we hate you. Now we can go now we can be honest.
Speaker 1:Now we can leave. Now we can leave because we're going to be honest with each other right now. At the end of the relationship there was a, an older person, that said to me years ago they said the end of a relationship reveals to you what the relationship was all along. I love that, yeah, because there's plenty of situations where a person gets to the point where the relationship was great and they're like we're just better off as friends and they continue to be friends, you know, for years, yeah, and you also have the other side of things where the relationship was great and then at the end, everyone hates each other yeah you know and either way it's scary because I was like man the relationship at the end, whether it's by death, divorce or breakup, it reveals what the relationship was all along.
Speaker 1:I was like man, that's profound, definitely.
Speaker 2:I've also learned that people perceive vulnerability specifically as weakness, and I think it's the exact opposite.
Speaker 2:I think it takes a really strong individual to be vulnerable with themselves, with a stranger, with people that they've known all their lives.
Speaker 2:I think once people get out of their heads and realize that there is strength in that and learning that you can confide not to a large degree but you can say things that may not be okay to the ears, in the sense of it's not peaches and rainbows, and I feel like other people should understand that it's not peaches and rainbows.
Speaker 2:It's not going to always be good days and I feel like with relationships, people should learn that you should probably not want the good days, but appreciate the bad days just as much as the good days, and understanding that there is some work to be done and combating that together is definitely something that people should try to do more. People should try to do more because I feel like there's always when, when it, when things hit the fan, they people tend to tend to kind of go to their own um values, or what they like feel is takes precedence at that point in time. So, instead of necessarily combating the problem as a unit. Now it's like the north and the south and it's a whole civil war kind of thing. It's just like I have my values and I have my values and instead of coming to like a common ground, they're just clashing, yeah, and whoever comes out on top in the end is, you know, the victor. But at the end of the day, the thing that really won was the problem itself yeah and that's just.
Speaker 2:It's slowly laying the foundation or, if anything, it's taking apart a foundation break by break, until finally the foundation just collapses on itself and boom. That's when they get the whole. They wake up one day and they look at the person and they're like I'm done, you know yeah, listen, the scariest part about relationships.
Speaker 1:I think they are also the most beautiful parts.
Speaker 2:Definitely.
Speaker 1:Because even the worst arguments that you have with someone, the argument itself is bad, right, it's a bad thing, but if you go through it and both parties are honest, it's the best thing ever, because a true that it was a truthful, you know revelation which also leads to a resolution. And then you look back and you're like man, I can't believe we argued about that.
Speaker 1:That was dumb no, stupid and and looking back can either be the best thing that ever happened to you or it could be the worst thing that ever happened to you, and I think that the further along I am in my relationship, the more I'm like man. Remember, when we used to argue about this, remember, you know, like you remember, and it's like each time we say that that's an obstacle we overcame with each other. Right, and I don't think that most people today get to experience that in dating, that like they overcome things together. It's like.
Speaker 1:I guess I'll let this slide, yeah yeah I, you know, it's like every, it's like everything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law, in the court of relationship court exactly, and everyone's like holding ammunition against each other yeah.
Speaker 1:Versus. Hey, listen, this made me feel this way. Let's talk about it, let's grow from it, let's move on from it. But it's like, no, I'm going to pile up like a nuclear stockpile All the things you've done me wrong with and just implode and just implode or explode on you. So you know how much you hurt me. And it's like sometimes you're arguing over over dishes or something, and you're like you're not arguing over dishes, you're arguing over the last 10 years.
Speaker 1:There's a hidden agenda here and it's just it's just a bunch of unresolved things, yeah, that people are just throwing at each other. So I don't know what it means for people to be dating each other. I don't think I. I don't think that a lot of people know what they mean when they see they're dating or what they're looking for. I think that human beings are social creatures and sometimes they're just happy to be with someone and they do, but they don't know what that means to be with someone longterm.
Speaker 2:I can agree. You're like what I think um. Going back to what you said about um people being very social creatures, I feel like now there's so much dissonance with actual communication with your fellow human that it's actually like altering people's brain chemistry. This is just me. I feel like people are literally making themselves worse by just not talking to somebody and specifically just talking to somebody random, you know you.
Speaker 2:you never know what's going on behind closed doors, what battles someone's fighting, you know where they're at in life or where they're trying to get to, but you know it does, at least to me.
Speaker 2:If I've had just a good conversation with somebody I may or may not know, it does something to me on a cellular level. I genuinely feel better and I feel like if people just learn to just talk to someone or just talk, just talk, simple as that, I feel like there, there, there would be a better way of traversing through dating specifically. I think it'll segue into that, because I feel like just having conversations, learning about another person and understanding them or seeing where their head space is, that can matriculate into the dating, like traversing through dating, and it'll just be much more easier for people, for both parties. Yeah, I, I truly think that I feel like people just need to learn to talk to people instead of being so stuck up and snobby and just, you know to themselves and recluse. You know it's not good for you, it's not. You literally can't be by yourself for long periods of time. It will literally mess you up from a psychological standpoint.
Speaker 1:It's like and I was thinking about this the other day and I hit up one of my friends and I was like man, even professionally. Now it's like people want a mind reader yeah, instead of just saying hey, I want this. Tell me what you want. Tell me what is exactly what it is that you want Versus you, creating this perception like oh, I don't understand you. Yeah, I can't understand you, unless you tell me I need to create a baseline as to who you are as a person.
Speaker 1:So if I can't understand you, you should ask yourself why can't he understand me? Maybe it's because you're not using your words. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Or not even that, and also tell me how you feel as well. I feel like people hold back all the time, for good and wrong reasons, because they don't want what they perceive the other person will do in retaliation to what information has been presented to them, and that's not right. I feel like you're doing them a disservice one because at the end of the day, you may think you know somebody, but until they do something, you're not. You'll never be 100% right, and I feel like people bank off of that. They're like oh, if I tell this to them, I know they're going to do this. What if they do something different? And now, instead of traversing and addressing the problem, you created a bigger problem you never know.
Speaker 1:Like listen, uncertainty isn't a bad thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, certainty for some people creates fear yes but uncertainty also creates opportunity I can agree with that as well. Yeah, and it all depends on what you make.
Speaker 1:You can either make it a fearful opportunity or you can just make it an opportunity, an opportunity to grow and to learn each other. But again, you cannot not communicate and expect to be understood. You know, life is a very finite thing and, as far as we know, we don't get to do this over and over and over again. So why not just be real with each other, enjoy each other's time and company, grow with each other instead of oh, we'll just see where things go, but not talk to each other about where we want to go? Right? It's like a car.
Speaker 1:I think dating is like a car. If you don't pay attention and be intentional to where you're staring unless you have a cash flow, of course, yeah, you're going to go off the road. You're going to crash into something, right? So unless you're intentional about where you're going to go off the road, you're going to crash into something, right? So unless you're intentional about where you're going with your relationship, your relationship is going to crash and burn, baby, you know that's just how it is. So, yeah, yeah, man Now, thank you again for taking the time to be on the Magnificent Ones podcast.
Speaker 2:Thanks for having me. Of course it's always a pleasure.
Speaker 1:Thank you, my good sir. All right, if you enjoyed today's content, please like and subscribe for more.