Parenting is the most complex dance of love and discipline, and we're here to help you sway gracefully to its rhythm. Join us as we open up about the emotional and mental presence that's essential in our children's lives, going beyond just meeting their material needs. Our candid conversation reveals the humbling truth that as parents, we grow alongside our little ones, learning that each child's journey requires its own map, tailor-made for their unique spirit. We're not just talking the talk; we're walking the walk, admitting our own parenting missteps and sharing the power of self-forgiveness. This episode is a heartfelt embrace for every parent who has felt the weight of financial pressures and wondered how to balance the checkbook of emotional investment in their children's future.
As we navigate the delicate terrain of raising individuals with diverse challenges, from dyslexia to autism, we underscore the profound impact of knowing your child beyond the surface level. Our discussion takes a deep dive into the nuances of a balanced parenting approach, where consistency and understanding trump fear in the discipline equation. We'll reflect on how our own childhood experiences shape the way we guide our children, and how self-reflection can turn our frustrations into teaching moments. With insights that resonate with every parent striving for emotional availability, this episode is a testament to the art of being truly present, ensuring our children's emotional development is enveloped in knowledge and love.
Parenting is the most complex dance of love and discipline, and we're here to help you sway gracefully to its rhythm. Join us as we open up about the emotional and mental presence that's essential in our children's lives, going beyond just meeting their material needs. Our candid conversation reveals the humbling truth that as parents, we grow alongside our little ones, learning that each child's journey requires its own map, tailor-made for their unique spirit. We're not just talking the talk; we're walking the walk, admitting our own parenting missteps and sharing the power of self-forgiveness. This episode is a heartfelt embrace for every parent who has felt the weight of financial pressures and wondered how to balance the checkbook of emotional investment in their children's future.
As we navigate the delicate terrain of raising individuals with diverse challenges, from dyslexia to autism, we underscore the profound impact of knowing your child beyond the surface level. Our discussion takes a deep dive into the nuances of a balanced parenting approach, where consistency and understanding trump fear in the discipline equation. We'll reflect on how our own childhood experiences shape the way we guide our children, and how self-reflection can turn our frustrations into teaching moments. With insights that resonate with every parent striving for emotional availability, this episode is a testament to the art of being truly present, ensuring our children's emotional development is enveloped in knowledge and love.
Hello and welcome to the Magnificent Ones podcast. Today's episode is about parenting. What does it take to be a good parent? In this ever-changing world and its many complexities, we find financial obligations and economic burden tend to take a front seat Over parenting. We barely have enough and so we barely do enough, and for those of us who truly have enough, we sometimes forget to either be mentally or physically present. Let's dive in, take a breath and let's explore the journey we call parenting.
Speaker 1:
I would like to start off by saying you are not your parents, your children aren't you. For better or for worse, things that work for your parents may not work for your children. Times have changed and we have to adapt to the individual needs of our children. Your life and experience are not benchmarks for your child's existence. We have to be honest with ourselves. We aren't experts, we don't know everything, and sometimes we're going to mess up. Let me repeat that one more time. Sometimes we're going to mess up, and so it is important to forgive ourselves when we do make mistakes. We aren't perfect, the people who raised us aren't perfect and the people who raised them aren't perfect. Forgive yourself. We make mistakes, let's try not to repeat them and remember, you are not your parents and your children aren't you.
Speaker 1:
Parenting, to me, is a lofty endeavor. It is the amalgamation of what was, what is and what will be. It is work that defies logic. It transcends reason. It is labor that does not guarantee an outcome. You can check all the boxes of what it means to be doing things right, only to find in the end that you were wrong. You can make many mistakes along the way and think you can't come back from the mistakes that you've made as a parent, and it all works out in the end. Imagine that Parenting reveals our true character. It shows us the ugly truth, such as maybe we are our parents, maybe we should have empathy towards our parents and say that they weren't perfect and we are not perfect either. Sometimes our biggest fear is that being our parent means that we're not perfect, and there is no such thing as being perfect when it comes to parenting. We can't get it all right. It doesn't work that way. I know we'd like for it to work that way, but unfortunately it does not work that way.
Speaker 1:
We have to understand that parenting isn't just what is before us. It is what came before us. That impacts the right now that will then, later on, impacts the future. We have to also understand that, as parents, our parents didn't have all the necessary resources that we may think they had. Maybe they had the financial box checked, but perhaps they weren't taught how to properly regulate and manage their emotions.
Speaker 1:
There's a lot of people today that they make their benchmark of what it means to be a good parent based on how their parent was, and your child is not going to have that same experience because they're not you. So your definition of good and bad or right and wrong can't be solely based on the people who raised you, because the world is much bigger than the people that raise you, and each child has their own individual identity, and you have to love them, you have to coach them and bring them up according to that identity. You can have four children all living in the same household, but they all have different gifts, different talents, different levels of understanding and comprehending, and so, even in situations like that, just because you're in the same household and you may be from an affluent family, there is no guarantee that the material is going to wash away all the emotional needs that this person may be lacking. It doesn't make up for it. Sometimes, as parents, our biggest mistake is that we think that providing simply is enough, when it is not. I'm happy that I have the wherewithal to learn from others. But even if I am present, sometimes I'm not always patient, sometimes I'm not always understanding. I have to constantly regulate my thought process and optimize to aim to be better.
Speaker 1:
I was listening to a statistic the other day and I don't know how truthful the statistic was, but it said the average American parent spends about 32 minutes a day with their children. It's the average. Now I don't know what the statistic was based on. Was it based on people in the city, people in rural areas? I don't know. But that made me think. Just because you're there doesn't mean you're engaging with your children. Just because you have a day off with your children doesn't mean that you're spending truly quality time, and the definition of quality time changes from individual to individual. There's no standardized, you know, metric to gauge whether or not you're truly spending quality time with your child or what your child individual needs are.
Speaker 1:
So as far as that 32 minute number is concerned, I don't put too much thought into it, but I will say that I don't think that most parents are present as much as they think they are, and I do believe that if a parent is not present, emotionally or mentally, that is a form of abandonment. Emotionally or mentally, that is a form of abandonment. And if you abandon your child emotionally, how are they going to learn how to deal with others around them? How are they going to learn how to be a good friend when they don't know how to emotionally be there for other people, when they have not learned how to emotionally develop a sense of care for others' emotions, when you have not been taught how to regulate your own or have a proper example of what that even looks like?
Speaker 1:
One of the things that I've been thinking about as of late is we get that we aren't going to get it right. At least, I hope most people know that they're not going to get it right. But what are you doing to ensure that you come close to it, to getting it right, to making sure that you're present, to making sure that you are building your children up, make or how much time you spend with your children? I don't think any of those things really truly matter. I think that if you can give a child a sense of identity, a sense of belonging and if you can make them be confident in themselves, that is a child that goes to the world feeling secure. That is a child that goes to the world knowing who they are, and I think that trumps everything else. A child that is confident, child that goes to the world knowing who they are and I think that trumps everything else A child that is confident in who they are will not engage in toxic behavior. A child that knows who they are will not feel less than or have an inferior complex. I think that is the biggest thing you can do is invest in the confidence and self-esteem of your child. Again, we can't always get it right, but we can always give praise when praise is due.
Speaker 1:
I believe that if your parenting style is you yell at your child for doing something wrong, well, you better yell at your child for doing things right. You have to bring that same energy for both, because if you're only yelling when things are wrong, then you're defeating, you're being domineering, you're inviting fear into that child's brain. But if you are equally as balanced, if you yell for bad and you yell for good, I'm not saying how people should parent, but I'm saying that if you do yell for one, yell for the other, because at least there's balance in that situation. At least the child knows that hey, if I do something good I will be praised, if I do something bad I will be scolded. That can be rationalized. It can't be rationalized if it's oh my gosh, I messed up, I forgot to do the dishes. My parents are going to ream me. Oh my gosh, I made straight A's. I really worked my butt off to get straight A's but no praises. Or, yeah, good job. But if I were to mess up, I would get the entire encyclopedia or almanac of mess-ups and expletives. We have to be consistent and we have to be balanced. We're not perfect, but we can be consistent.
Speaker 1:
I think sometimes the reason we get frustrated with our children is because we see ourselves. We see the areas in which we are deficient and not satisfactory. Our children reveals who we are. That's an ugly truth. If you haven't faced those things and tried to correct those things within yourself, of course, when you see them in your children, you double down because it's easier to react, to be frustrated, to yell. You know what their struggles are because that's you and seeing that mirror, knowing that you have those same issues as that five-year-old or that teenager issues? Is that five-year-old or that teenager? That's? That's? Hey, that's a battle. I'm not here to say how to fight that battle or how to deal with that battle, but it is a battle and I can say that until you face your demons, you will continue to be plagued with issues with your children.
Speaker 1:
I'm not the standard of deciding what good parenting is, but I think, generally speaking, we can come together and say things that we have decided collectively are bad parenting techniques. I mean, all we can do is do our best, but I'll say this if you can look up things on YouTube on how to invest, if you can look up things on YouTube on how to install a radiator in your car, then guess what? You can also pick up your phone and look up good parenting hacks. And, again, all those things may not be what your child needs, but it can help you because the more knowledge you have, you can utilize it in different ways. But if you have no knowledge, you can't pull from anything. If you don't have the knowledge or the experience in a certain area, what are you going to pull from? Just your emotions, and our emotions aren't always the best thing to deal with complex situations.
Speaker 1:
Personally, I take a spiritual and scientific approach to parenting and this works for me and I can't say that it'll work for everyone else. Spiritually, I follow the golden rule If I wouldn't like it done to me, I will not do it to someone else. If something makes me feel a certain way or I know that the implications of saying certain things or doing certain things, I don't do it because I wouldn't like it done to me. And so if you wouldn't like it for yourself, then your child wouldn't like it either. No one likes to be talked down to, no one likes to be yelled at, no one likes to feel less than so why would you subject your child to those things? And I say I take a scientific approach as well. How does your child respond to advice? How does your child respond to words of affirmation, words of kindness?
Speaker 1:
You have to know the type of child that you have. How does your child learn? How does your child process information? Unless you understand who the individual is that is in front of you. Unless you understand who the individual is that is in front of you, then you can't even begin to cultivate, because you have no knowledge of who you are dealing with Because, again, your child is not you and you are not your parent. That individual is their own person and you can love them and you can care for them. But, for example, if your child is dyslexic and you're forcing your child to read but not acknowledging that your child is dyslexic, you're torturing that child because you are not acknowledging that they are dyslexic. If your child is autistic and you're wondering why your child doesn't laugh at jokes, or well, your child is autistic. You have to treat the child like the individual person that they are and speak to their individual needs and circumstances.
Speaker 1:
Parenting is not a one-size-fits-all. You can make it to every birthday party, you can tell your kids how much you love them every single day. You could be as present as you want to be in their lives. You can do all of those things and still not know the person in front of you because you're treating them like everyone else as opposed to the individual that they are. To love me is to know me, and so to love your child is to know your child, because if you don't know the person that's in front of you, truly know the person that's in front of you, then how can you say you love them. If you're not emotionally available, how many walls have you put up in front of your children to tell them that you're not interested? You have to set the tone. There's an expression that I really like to hear. It says that you have to inspect what you expect, and you can interpret that however you'd like to, but I love it. I'm very fond of that saying.
Speaker 1:
There are times when we set these lofty goals for our children, the things we want them to accomplish, without even asking did we give them the tools they needed to accomplish that task or to reach that goal? I would often say, when I was younger, whenever I didn't get the tool that I need to accomplish a task, I would say hey, you gave me a spoon, you told me to dig a grave. You gave me a spoon, you told me to dig a grave. I would much rather use a shovel, and I've always been sarcastic, and so that's one of the things that I would use. I think that a lot of parents do the same thing. Sometimes we give our children the wrong tools to gut into the world, and so they're not equipped to to life's challenges. Because I'm sure, yes, with time, a spoon could dig six feet. That's a very long time. If we gave them the shovel well, they could do it relatively fast.
Speaker 1:
We have to set bars for ourselves of where we'd like to be as parents and we have to measure our personal progress. We have to self-manage, self-regulate who we are as parents and we have to create metrics for us to work towards so we know that we are holding ourselves accountable to being good parents. And until we are holding ourselves accountable, until we are knowing that we're doing all that we can, not just financially but emotionally and spiritually, until you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you are doing all that you can, you can't hold your child to a certain standard that you don't hold yourself to because you're the mirror, and if you're a hypocrite your don't hold yourself to Because you're the mirror, and if you're a hypocrite, your child won't respect you. There's a difference between a child being rebellious, because we're all rebellious in some way, shape or form. But if you're a hypocrite, the whole saying of do as I say, not as I do, well, you're going to go by what you see. So you can't tell your kids that, hey, drinking is bad, but you're getting smashed every single day. You're not setting the example. You have to be the best example, and that sometimes requires sacrifice, and if it were easy, we'd all do it. But the best thing about life is that if you're alive, you can choose to do better.
Speaker 1:
Parenting is so much more than just finances. Parenting is cultivating. Parenting is grooming. Parenting is cultivating. Parenting is grooming. Parenting is the death of your ego. Parenting is the I love you's. Parenting is I am sorry.
Speaker 1:
Parenting is it's okay. Sometimes we don't have to give our children a huge lecture. Sometimes we need to just be quiet and have just a presence and that's enough. And sometimes we just need to say hey, even though you messed up, it's okay. And even if we mess up, it's okay. We're on this journey of life to learn and evolve and adapt to circumstances. So be well and remember life is a journey. You have to choose that destination. And even if you choose that destination, it doesn't mean that there aren't going to be bumps in the road. Life throws curveballs, because it's life. Life happens, mistake happens. Sometimes we feel like we're not good enough and sometimes, when we think we're knocking out the park, we're far from it. But reevaluate. Talk to your children. If you don't talk to your children, then someone else will or the world will. You have to be that example, you have to be present and you have to show love and be selfless. Thank you for joining the Magnificent Ones podcast.